Mirnea Nefiah – Playing with Fire - Act 1: Fire Rising

Mirnea's picture

(Mirnea’s origin story, parts of which are still a mystery to Mirnea herself. I hope you all enjoy it and there is more coming as I begin to articulate her story on in text that is all my mind at the moment. I am looking for constructive criticism, encouragement and whether you like it or not! Please comment!  )



Act 1: Fire Rising

Mirnea opened her eyes…

Pinned to a table that she lay on at her wrists and ankles, limbs held apart from her body, her soul trembling at the transpiring recent events of her life, and due to the fight for her life that she is in now, her eyes dart around the dark, cool chamber. Hearing the combination of footsteps from servants and the slithering, fleshy scraping sound of snakes moving across the floor, she looks through her peripheral vision to find her captors but is initially unable to, not sure if it’s because of the darkness of the chamber itself or her limited mobility. The cool air in this chamber that has not seen the light of day in ages caresses her bare skin in its relative stillness only pushed about by movement of… things on either side of her body, all of which makes her that much more aware of her surroundings, her stress level keeping her warm enough to remain conscious. Regardless of the cool air, tears and sweat trickles down from the corner of her eyes along the sides of her face as she tests her bindings and knows immediately the hopelessness of her attempt of escape… Even if she could by some miracle or curse, power through those bonds, where would she go and how will she face the multitude of beings here at this moment?

Finally, from her right side she sees one approach, a Stygian male, dressed in the Priests robes of Set, but wearing special ornamentation that she just recently became familiar with… the Sect of the Yuan-Ti. In his hands he prepares some sort of tool, often seen in the hands of medicine men and care givers but the sharpness and its current assumed purpose and use speaks of a diabolical intention of its wielder.

From her left side, a hooded robbed figure moves into her view… from the way the sound of its movement was heard, she instantly knew she was not dealing with a Stygian. As it slid towards the edge of the table, she was able to look up underneath the hood and saw the horrid face of her true captors, the Yuan-ti. “Its” head was shaped much like a human’s would be except that it’s skin was pulled back along the extend point of its mouth, stretched back along the nose bone, cheeks and jaw the distorted form took the shape of hooded cobra fully extended. Muscles that were not possible on a human were fully extended and strong and its eyes… its eyes facing each side of its head and pulled back, yellow in color. The exposed skin made up of a multitude of interlocking scales that shifted and folded as its head moved about its neck. Finally the hands came out, the skin also scaled though the appendages and extremities resembled human hands giving it the dexterity it needed to perform its disturbing and evil ceremony, holding a vile of dark oozing liquid that Mirnea could only assume to be one thing… deoxygenated Yuan-ti blood.

She squeezed her eyes shut, not wanting to believe her fate. With her sister gone and in no position to mount a rescue, she struggled with her bonds in one last attempt, tears rolled down the sides of her face from the corners of her eyes as whimpered and cried inside as she made one last call of pray to anyone…. Anything that could get her out of this place…

…3 months earlier…

Mirnea opened her eyes…

The morning sun peered into her room through the windows and the dry Khemi air blew across her bed causing her to stir. She looked up at the ceiling and noticed how bright it has been getting over the years, even though its inside, enough of the Stygian sun penetrates the room to bleach even the ceiling.

She sat up out of bed and steadied herself, pushed herself up and stood in her room. Walking to bureau, she removed her robe and quickly donned her travelling attire… Today was the day and today, she would leave early enough to see it, to confirm what she believed to be “another way”. As she dressed herself, she saw that her sister already left for the day… no doubt to start her studies early with the Set worshipping thieves’ guild. She finished strapping on her sandals and walked outside.

Her parents believed she would be travelling to Old Tarantia for a supply run from her father’s shop… yes, she would stop by Tarantia, and make the exchange of goods, but that was not her ultimate destination. “Father, business may take longer than expected in Tarantia, I will be back in several days time, don’t worry, I will send missives” she said. Her father would respond, “You are lucky that our supplies will hold out another two weeks; make sure you get the best deals and send the most supplies that we can afford back home.” That would buy her enough time for her to make her trip. Her trip to the fabled isles of Antilla to witness what could be her best opportunity, and to seek help in removing the path that her sister is forced to follow with the followers of Set.

She set off early that morning, not looking back at Khemi as she sailed for Old Tarantia, her hood covering her features and reddish brown hair, trying not to draw too much attention to herself. As she sailed, she heard and unusual sound and looked up and saw something strange for the area she was in… Not a seagull but what appeared to be a raven or crow flying over head above the ship, following the same relative direction. Unsure of the meaning, she dismissed it as she gazed forward to the future, looking to change her present by destroying the past.

...End of Part 1: Fire Rising...

Neverlin's picture

I really enjoyed you work!

I really enjoyed you work! Can't wait to find out how Mirnea ended up there :) you asked for some constructive critisim, please just consider the following a little advise.

1. Try not to use the same word on the same page if you can. It tends to brake the flow of the story. (see first paragraph, you use the word "life" twice)

2. Try to avoid the passive "to be" verb in writing. this also tends to bog down a story. First drafts are usually filled with "is, has, have, ". A good trick is to write your story without worrying about being passive, then when you do the revision, circle all the passive sentances and try to rewrite them with a stronger verb.

Example: "she WAS able to look up underneath the hood and saw the horrid face of her true captors, the Yuan-ti."

I'd rewrite: "she looked up, and underneath the hood saw...." Again, these are styal comments. Many may disagree with me.

Great job!

Men and rats both hunger. We for our playthings, they, for us.

Mirnea's picture

Oh! Very good tips! And

Oh! Very good tips! And thank you! I appreciate them. always looking to improve my English writing skills. I'm glad you enjoyed it too :) I agree with your comments too, I think it would help. Will attempt a rewrite as I finish the 4th part. :)

 

 

Satet-Ka's picture

dont listen to him! 

dont listen to him!  repeated use of the word Set ...sacrifice.....stygian domination....all very effective in writing.

 

also feel free to repeatedly use words like alluring....seductive...penetrating (when refering to eyes of course)

 

;)

Cyril Blackheart's picture

THIS STORY EDITED FOR SATETKA, Not my work.. It's sateka's

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Satet-Ka's picture

why you ask?

yeah cause everyone rescues you while leaving my ass locked up in Xu Set!

 

short story indeed!  get me out of hear you lazy bastige.

Neverlin's picture

Satet-Ka! Vengence is

Satet-Ka! Vengence is ours! The City of Xu'Set is in shamples and it's people flee to the swamps in droves. Neverlin brought the plague to Xu' Set and decimated the population. The Setep has paid dearly for her crimes against you. The guards now answer to Neverlin, and you are freed! Sign up for the two week return trial and let's create some havoc one last time.

Men and rats both hunger. We for our playthings, they, for us.

Satet-Ka's picture

hey are you taking a page

hey are you taking a page out of my book and metagaming the pulling of my leg? :)

I need to RP my way out of Xu'set with udiyahs participation sadly...

 

kicks neverlin off his leg.

 

what I wanna know seriously before I recomit....has anything gotten better?  I have been reading cyril and silverboots...other things that have made me think of coming back.

 

Is stygia still powerless?  who are her defenders?  do we have any real power?  Are you and cyril still the only roleplayers out there doing stygian naughty things?  Is it still insular....

 

I think you know the questions.

 

oh and I dont need a trial I never canceled my account.  I pay for it ...I just dont play it.  Dont ask me why.....maybe for the city.

Mirnea's picture

LOL Okay ;)  

LOL Okay ;)